Scared and Scarred
by musicalgirl4474
Summary: Merlin has been running himself to the ground, full of despair and fear. He finds ways to deal with it, but he knows they are only temporary measures. Will someone notice before he takes it too far? (Teen for . . . well, you find out in the first chapter.) TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm
1. It begins

**A/N: Okay, so I need you all to keep in mind that this is my first Merlin fan fic, and the darkest fic I've written so far. So this may not be much good. I'd Love reviews. And, sad as it is, I don't own Merlin. (But then again, if I did, it would adhere more to the traditional legends, and therefore be not so fun. Oh well, it's better this way.) Please please PLEASE review! It'll let me know if you like it, 'cause I do have two other fanfics that need updating, but this was an idea.**

_MERLIN POV_

It was just all so hard. Every day, all the time, he was reminded of his destiny. And almost every week it seemed, Arthur managed to get himself into some sort of trouble. Witches, some magical monster, or . . . other things. Things like Freya. Merlin knew he shouldn't still be dwelling on this, it had been over a year. But everything was just coming down around him. Though Uther was dead and Arthur had made the large step of making peasants into knights, his stance against magic did not seem to waver. Just yesterday, a man convicted of using sorcery had been executed. They didn't even know what he had used the magic for. At least it hadn't been the pyre. A beheading. But Merlin just couldn't take it anymore. Watching as Arthur had sentenced the terrified man, barely older than Merlin, to death.

Merlin was terrified. So scared, so very scared. And not just for his life. He was failing. Failing in his destiny. He had called to Kilghara, but the dragon had had little to say other than to be patient. As if he hadn't been patient for the last few years. He had tried to hide the depression slump he was getting into, and while it was getting easier to avoid Gaius, Arthur was nearly impossible. Merlin could avoid Gaius by leaving early (normally without breakfast) and coming back late (normally skipping lunch on the way). But Arthur . . . Merlin tried his best not to show that anything was wrong . . . but sometimes he could swear Arthur seemed concerned. Not that it would matter. Arthur wouldn't be concerned when he killed Merlin for having magic. But . . . would he? Yes, probably. Still, the large and irrational part of him that thought of Arthur as a friend was telling him that Arthur would at least hear him out. Not that Merlin was particularly interested in testing that theory. The fear stopped him every time.

He had found a few ways to deal with the fear and stress. Well, mostly two. One was working himself to exhaustion, so the nightmares wouldn't come. That he was and had been doing. The second hadn't been implemented quite yet. But . . . today seemed as good a day as any. It had been a bad day, what with the execution and all. And the tool needed was in his hand. Sharp and bright. The dagger Arthur had given him after the last time Morgana had attacked.

"Because you're useless with a sword, but too loyal to stay safe," Arthur had said, sounding almost annoyed, when Merlin had asked for the reason behind the gift. He kept it on the table next to the bed. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep it there now. He wouldn't let anyone see it.

He contemplated the blade as he pressed it into the pale skin on the inside of his wrist. He pressed harder and harder, until he felt the skin split. Blood welled up, dark and wet, and trickled down his wrist, and off his fingertips. He took a shuddering breath. Merlin knew that he had passed the place of no return. He made another cut. More blood welled, and Merlin could feel his thoughts turning fuzzy. In a moment of slight panic, he put the knife down. Then his thoughts cleared a bit again, and he understood what happened. The blood loss. He'd have to take it slowly, or risk passing out. Then he would certainly be discovered. Taking a strip of cloth off of the bandage roll he had smuggled into his room earlier, he tied it around the two cuts, which were still oozing blood. Hopefully, no-one would notice under his long-sleeved shirt.

Merlin leaned against the wall, legs splayed in front of him on the bed. His eyes were drawn to a color staining the creamy blanket. It took a little while for his slightly foggy eyes to discern that it was his own blood. Quickly, Merlin muttered a small spell under her breath to take it off, but his concentration was a little wandering. The stain faded so that it could have been nothing more than a dirt stain, and Merlin felt himself sag more into the wall. Before he went to sleep, Merlin stowed the knife, which had cleaned of blood much easier than the greedy sheets, under the mattress of the small bed. Then he fell into a restless, nightmarish sleep.

_The heat was rising, Merlin could feel the fire, hungry, greedy fire, coming closer. He would not scream, he would not give him the satisfaction. Merlin's eyes were watering from the smoke, but through the tears, he could see the figures standing on the balcony. Wait. Figures? Arthur was standing there, with Gwen at his side. They were both looking down at him. Both wore expressions of disgust. Disgust for what he is, what he was, something he couldn't control. Merlin's beleaguered mind despaired at the fact that even Gwen, who had lost a father at Uther's hand, had been watching him burn and not shed a tear. His eyes found Arthur's, and he saw . . . nothing. There was nothing there._

Merlin bolted upright, breathing heavily. Everything spun around him, and he collapsed off the bed. Looking up, Merlin noticed that there was a faint light shining through his window. He might as well get started if he wanted to avoid Gaius and any questions about his pale appearance, if his shaking hands were anything to go by. Hands . . . quickly, Melin pulled back the sleeve of his tunic to glance at the bandages. They were covered in dried blood. Quickly, he unwound them, hoping the fabric wouldn't have adhered to the cuts. It hadn't, that was good. And even better, the magic in his system had already closed them, so all that remained was an angry red scar. Quickly stuffing the used bandages under the mattress (he'd probably burn them later), he left the room.

**A/N: Review? (Yeah, maybe I'm nagging, but I want to know what you think!)**


	2. The Knights Notice?

**A/N: I am aware that this is probably not the best fic you've ever read. Just keep in mind, I've NEVER written anything like this. I will probably have to rewrite (fix-up) the first few chapters after I get more used to this kind of writing. Review if you have any tips and/or tricks! Also review with your opinion, I like reviews! I write more with more incentive.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Kangaroony. I'm glad you like it!**

Something seemed off about Merlin. Lancelot had been noticing it for a while. At first he had thought it was just the rainy weather that had his friend acting so oddly, but now he wasn't so sure. The sky had been blue for at least two days now . . . and he was still not acting like the Merlin he knew. He watched as the young man talked with Gwaine. He seemed almost nervous, edging slowly around Gwaine, as though he was trying to make an escape.

Lancelot walked over to the two of them, and noticed that Merlin was plucking at the edge of his sleeves, something he hadn't really noticed Merlin ever doing before. "I really have to go guys," he said quietly. "I need to collect herbs for Gaius."

"I'll come with," Gwaine said easily.

Merlin's eyes widened in what could be seen as panic. "No," he said quickly. "No, I'll be fine, and Arthur said that he was going to schedule extra training sessions today so . . . ." And with that, Merlin turned, and, having edged around Gwaine so as to have a clear shot to the gates, ran off.

"Merlin!" The man disappeared through the gates without so much as looking back and Gwaine. He turned to Lancelot. "Please tell me I'm not the only one noticing this."

Wordlessly, he shook his head.

"This really needs to stop. And . . . I'm really hoping he was lying about the extra practices. I'm still sore from yesterday," Gwaine whined. "Honestly, what's with sorcerers constantly coming to Camelot? You'd think they'd have learned by now. That guy didn't actually do anything and we still found out about him! And . . . then had to chase him down."

"What do you think started it?" Lancelot asked quietly. Gwaine didn't need to ask what his brother-in-arms was asking about. He slumped in defeat.

"I have no idea. But I feel like it's longer than we know. I noticed it maybe a week ago? It seems pretty bad today. Normally he at least_ pretends_ to be fine. But . . . that wasn't normal at all."

"Do you think . . ." Lancelot trailed off, still looking at the gates of the citadel. "Do you suppose we should talk to Arthur about it?" Gwaine looked at him like he'd lost his head.

"Are you kidding!? If Queenie doesn't already know, I'm not tellin' him. If he doesn't tell me about extra training, I don't have to go. Plus, he refuses to admit that Merlin's anything more than a servant."

"What are we going to do? We can't just pretend not to notice."

"I'll talk with him when he comes back." Gwaine said this with so much confidence, that Lancelot had to consciously think about _not_ rolling his eyes. As it was, he gestured around him.

"ARE YOU BRAIN-DEAD!?" he whisper-yelled. "Did you not notice what happened here!? I think we missed the chance a long time ago."

Gwaine took a step towards the gates, then turned around, marching back into the citadel. Lancelot ran to keep up. "I thought you were against talking to Arthur," he gasped when he caught up.

"I'm not going to Arthur."

"Oh. Gaius?"

Gwaine nodded, walking briskly towards the physician's chambers. The physician opened the door with an expression that fell a bit when he took in who it was.

"I didn't do it this time, whatever it was," Gwaine said, throwing his hands in the air.

"No, no, you're fine," the old man said, shuffling to his work bench, "I was hoping you were Merlin. I haven't seen him today, and he's been acting strange lately."

"Oh, good." Lancelot said quietly. "We were afraid we were the only ones who noticed. That's why we came."

"Wait," Gwaine said suddenly. "So you _didn't _send Merlin to get herbs?" Gaius raised his eyebrows at the young knight. That was all the answer they needed.

"Oh gods . . ." Lancelot said.

"So . . . what's he doing?" Gwaine was so pale, one could mistake him for a chainmail-wearing alabaster statue.

Gaius looked between the two young men in confusion. "He told you I sent him for herbs?"

"Yes?" Gwaine said, voice almost a whimper.

"Maybe we're just over-reacting." Lancelot said. "Maybe he's gone to the tavern. You know how Arthur doesn't like him to go there . . ." Lancelot could have kicked himself.

"I'm gonna go find him!" Gwaine called over his shoulder as he ran out of the room and down the hall.

Lancelot looked at Gaius hopelessly, an unspoken question in his worried eyes.

The physician nodded. "I will notify you when he returns."

Lancelot took off after Gwaine. He found him talking very quickly and with great excitement to a completely bemused-looking Elyan.

"We're going to look for Merlin in the tavern," Lancelot explained as he walked by.

"Why? Is Merlin missing?"

"Not . . . exactly," Lancelot said, as he watched Gwaine flex his hands into fists. "You seem to alternate between extreme worry, and not-so extreme worry," is added in aside to the anxious-looking man.

"No, just very worried. I'm just good at hiding it, hoping I'm blowing it way out of proportions," Gwaine said, turning to walk backward so as to look Lancelot in the eye.

"I'm taking it this is a little more serious than I've suspected." Elyan said, looking back and forth between the two other knights.

"You didn't notice!?" Gwaine asked, incredulously.

"Sort of," the knight admitted. "I mean, he hasn't been himself lately, but I assumed it was just the weather. It had a lot of people feeling down."

"I thought the same," Lancelot admitted. "But a few minutes ago . . . ." He looked hopelessly at Gwaine.

"A few minutes ago there was a bit of a scare." Gwaine said. "The conversation actually got better when Merlin saw you across the courtyard, Lance."

"What happened before I got there!?" What could be worse than what he had witnessed?

"I think . . . I really hope Merlin's at the tavern and not in the forest."


	3. The Forest

A/N: I AM SO SORRY! I know this took forever. My only excuse is that it was midterms week and I also now have play practice every night for three hours . . . anyways, yeah. I hope you don't hate me.

This chapter is dedicated to Mabudachi-trio

Oh and, by the way, BBC owns Merlin. I don't. And that's probably a good thing.

MERLIN POV

Merlin wasn't in the tavern, he wasn't even in the town. He knew that he'd be found out when he didn't bring back many, if any, herbs when he returned to the citadel, but he needed to get out and think over what had happened. He sat on the bank of the lake, wishing so much that Freya could still talk to him. She'd probably know what to say.

"I can't do it anymore." Merlin said dejectedly. "Screw destiny, I just can't do it. I can't keep lying to Arthur. I can't keep lying to the knights. I can't keep doing nothing while other, innocent, magic-users are hunted down like animals. I just . . . can't. I wish you were here, Freya." He picked up a stick, scratching absently in the dirt. His wrist was a little sore, but he ignored it. Merlin could, of course, have gone to talk to Kilghara, but that would most likely not end well.

The lake and its clearing were tranquil. The morning sunlight filtering through the green leaves, dappling the grass with golden spots. The birds were chirping quietly in the underbrush and treetops, not having a care in the world. Merlin could almost hear the flowers growing, their colors danced across the clearing as the breeze wound through them.

A strong wind blew through the trees, causing Merlin to jump and look around suddenly. He calmed down quickly, but continued to look over his shoulder as he sat at the waterside. Merlin sat there, just looking out over the water, until the sun was high overhead. With a whispered good bye and a toss of the stick into the water, Merlin walked away.

Merlin let his eyes wonder across the ground around him as he walked, looking for any herbs on the way. He saw a patch of nettles, and almost exclaimed aloud, because Gaius had been complaining earlier about a shortage of nettle leaves and roots.

Quickly, Merlin went over to the tall, green, spiky-leaved plants and set to digging them up. The ground was still soft from all the rain they had gotten recently, and the roots were easy to clean. There was no water anywhere, so Merlin simply scraped the mud off with his hands, getting some nice stings along the way. The pain didn't bother him really, it was almost nice. It gave him something other than the darkness to dwell on, though it wasn't as bad in the forest as it was when he was around people. He didn't constantly see people he was lying to while he was here.

Merlin filled the basket with the nettles, and continued through the forest. He was pretty sure Arthur would be livid once he get back, because there was no way it would take almost half the day to pick a bunch of nettles. Oh well. The prat could be as livid as he liked, Merlin needed some time to himself.

He was still a half-mile from the edge of the forest when he heard his name. "Merlin!" Merlin stopped, sighed, and turned to face Gwaine. "You've been gone for hours! Where were . . . are those nettle stings?" I answer, Merlin hefted the basket. "Oh come on, don't look at me like that!" Gwaine turned to call over his shoulder. "I found 'im guys!" There was a sound in the distance, and Gwaine turned back to Merlin, frowning. "You sure you're alright?"

Merlin mentally shook himself, remembering suddenly that he couldn't let the knights know anything going on in his head right now. Although he was pretty sure they suspected a lot. "I'm fine," he said, plastering a smile on his face. "Just a little tired. Why?"

Gwaine was still studying him with eyes far more intense than he was used to, and Merlin started wondering if Gwaine somehow did know what he had done the night before. "You haven't been yourself lately," Gwaine said. "Something's wrong, something's bothering you. Why won't you tell us what it is?"

"Nothing's wrong, Gwaine," Merlin said, and he knew that his smile was very see-through. Gwaine simply 'Hmm'ed and looked Merlin up and down as Lancelot and Elyan came jogging towards them.

"Merlin!" Lancelot called. "We've been looking for you all day!"

"You must have had very little faith in my message that Arthur was planning extra training today, which, by the way, I was telling the truth about." Merlin raised his eyebrows at Elyan's expression. "Which, I would guess, Gwaine forgot to mention to you?" He was given his answer when Elyan glared at the back of Gwaine's head.

"Oh don't worry," Gwaine said, waving an airy hand. "I can deal with Queeny when we get back."

"Good luck," Merlin muttered under his breath. "Don't worry 'bout us," Lancelot said. "Are you-?"

"As I have already told Gwaine, I am fine!" Merlin said, in a voice that he hoped brooked no argument. Lancelot's brows drew together, and he could almost feel Elyan's concerned glance on him. Merlin realized that he may have been a little too assertive, but he was tired and Arthur . . . well, he'd already be angry at his knights. And he might not take all his anger out on them. Not that he wanted them to. They had only missed training because he had worried them enough to cause them to come after him. Another thing he'd feel guilty for later. Although that guilt certainly paled next to the lies he had told and deaths he could possibly have prevented, and didn't.

"Shall we go back? Better sooner than later," Elyan said eventually, after a semi-awkward silence had fallen. So, they began to walk back through the now quiet forest. The sun was starting to creep lower in the sky, and their shadows stretched ahead of them as they reached the edge of the forest. Merlin noticed that Gwaine and Lancelot were sticking closer to him than normal. Even Elyan, who Merlin was pretty sure was very confused as to what was going on, was still sending concerned glances his way.

Reviews are loved, and I extremely appreciate it when more people follow and favorite. I live on reviews. This story had the most reviews made recently, so that's why I updated this one, and not another one. Keep it up, my lovely readers! (And no, that's not creepy at all!)


	4. What Does Arthur Know?

**A/N: I know, it's been a while, but this quarter's homework is crazy, and play practice is at the time I normally get my best writing time. I don't know. Review, please. I love them.**

**I don't own Merlin. Oh well. I guess it'll just stay the way it is.**

**This chapter is dedicated to: Misagi (Thanks for the review!)**

**MERLIN POV**

Not everything was horrible, Merlin supposed. Not everything had changed. Arthur, for instance, was still a prat, and still always buzzing after training, if all had gone well. In this case though, three of his finest knights had skipped out on his impromptu session.

"I thought I told you to tell everyone, _Mer_lin," he said, his tone irritated.

"I did," Merlin responded, trying his best to keep his tone light, as he always did when Arthur was angry for some reason or another. "They just decided that their time was better spent following me into the forest while I was collecting herbs for Gaius."

As always, Arthur seemed to ignore him. He thrust his arm in front of Merlin, who began to unstrap the armor quietly. When the armor was all sitting on the table, Arthur turned to face him again. "You left before lunch to go gather herbs. Did it really take you this long to gather a bunch of nettles?"

"Who told you I was gathering nettles?"

"Elyan. He said he was worried about you." Ah, Arthur. Always so subtle. "I think it was his way of apologizing. Even so . . . is everything alright, Merlin?"

Merlin could feel his brow furrowing in confusion, and his smile faltered on his face. "Why would he be worried?"

"Don't avoid the question, Merlin," Arthur said, staring at him searchingly with those blue eyes that seemed to look right through him.

Merlin bit his bottom lip, considering. But it really wasn't worth telling Arthur. Not that he could really ever consider it anyways. "I'm fine," he said, doing his best to insert enough confusion into his tone for his expression to be passed over.

"Hm. Well, if you're sure, you can go get me dinner."

Mutely, Merlin nodded and left, relief among the most potent emotions flashing through his mind. He wasn't exactly sure why, but talking with Arthur had made him nervous. As though Arthur might find out about his secret. Well, secrets, and Merlin wasn't sure which one he wanted Arthur to find out about least. The magic, or the scars that had still not quite been erased from last night.

**ARTHUR POV**

Arthur watched as Merlin left, closing the door quietly behind him. He didn't really believe Merlin when he said he was fine. He wasn't sure why. Merlin had seemed to have no idea why Elyan had been worried about him. Which was what had Arthur himself worried. Merlin was a terrible lire. So then why did Arthur feel like this was a lie?

With a sigh, Arthur turned to the fire in its hearth. But why was he worried? Merlin was his manservant. A king didn't worry about the servants. And Merlin had Gaius looking after him. A great physician if ever there was one. Gaius would have known if there was something wrong with Merlin . . . right?

There was a light knock on his door, and he called for the person to enter. It was Gwen. Beautiful, lovely Gwen. "Are you alright?" she asked, looking up at his face. Absently, he nodded. "Arthur," she said, resting a slender hand on his shoulder. "Something's troubling you."

"Something," he agreed. "Something about Merlin. Has he seemed . . . odd to you lately?"

" . . . I'm not sure. I guess . . . he hasn't seemed quite himself," she said after a pause. "Why?"

"When Elyan, Gwaine and Lancelot finally showed up for training earlier, Elyan said he was worried about Merlin. Apparently he'd been 'out picking herbs' for the better part of the day. Since before lunch, and they returned scarcely a half-hour ago."

He turned to face Gwen. "I don't know why I'm so worried. But it's not just today. Gwaine and Lancelot both say he's been acting 'off' for a long time."

"It's normal to be worried when friends- no, don't argue with me Arthur. Whether you admit it or not, it's true –are acting oddly. But it can take a while to find some herbs in the forest."

"But he came back with a basketful of nettles, and those are springing up all over the place like weeds," Arthur protested, ignoring the friend comment.

Gwen sighed, sitting quietly at the table in Arthur's room. "To answer your question, yes, I have been noticing that something wasn't quite normal about him, but don't worry yourself too much about it. If he was really bothered, he would have told someone, and Gaius is looking out for him."

Arthur nodded, sitting next to her, running his hands through is tangled hair. Gwen gently kissed his cheek. "Stop worrying," she murmured, running one smooth thumb against his brow. "You don't need worry-lines yet."

Merlin chose that moment to enter the door, supper for two people on a tray. "I passed Gwen not soon after leaving," he answered Arthur's unspoken question. His voice was tired, and Arthur noticed that Merlin had bags under her eyes.

"Is there anything else you'll need tonight, my lord?" Merlin asked.

"Um . . ." Arthur was struck slightly dumb by the title. Merlin never paid attention to propriety. "Just . . . polish my armor, then you're free to . . . do whatever."

Merlin raised his eyebrows a little, but simply nodded, picked the armor off the other end of the table, and left.

Arthur noticed Gwen frowning in the direction of the door. "You're right, I think he's gotten worse."

"He actually called me 'my lord'," Arthur muttered. Gwen laughed as she picked up an apple.

"Yes," she said with a joking tone. "That's a sure sign he's not alright." Arthur sighed as he took a gulp of wine.

"I don't know what's got me most worried. Him, or the fact that I AM worried about him."

"Be worried about him, and once he's better, then you can worry about your precious propriety. You are courting me, remember." Arthur laughed quietly.

"How could I ever forget?"


End file.
